


It Was (Not) Worth It

by LordAkira18



Category: Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Angst, F/F, Psycho Shinji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 12:30:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13787820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordAkira18/pseuds/LordAkira18
Summary: It started with them, it would end with them.





	It Was (Not) Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> Another EVA short, another idea that's been floating around in my head for quite some time.
> 
> Consider this a brother piece to Not Worth It, with it being set, if you can't tell, in the Rebuild series.
> 
> Consider both short stories appetizers for my full story, which I finally have a title for: "Residing Devils."
> 
> Please enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer - I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, it all belongs to Gainax.

She walked alone down the nearly empty corridor in Wunder, refusing to have Ritsuko or anyone else accompany her. She wanted to do this alone, without them. She had to, she told herself, because this was her responsibility just as he had been her responsibility.

_Had been_ , past tense. An acidic sting of pain. The soldiers stood to attention as she approached. "Men." She said by way of greeting, keeping her voice professional and cold. Just like she had with him, all that wasted time.

"Ma'am." One of them responded. The other nodding wordlessly.

"Is he in there?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Any trouble?"

"No Ma'am."

She strolled in, ignoring the feeling of their eyes on her body. 22 years old, yet really, she should have been 36. That was his fault, stilling their age, but wasn't it a gift to be young and beautiful forever? That was irrelevant, she purged her mind of all thoughts as the door slid closed and locked behind her. They were alone now, just he and her. Just as it had started, so would it end.

_End_   _conclusion termination_

She ignored the burning in her chest and focused on him. She removed her glasses, her hat and hair tie. Shaking her head, her free purple locks flowed down to her shoulders. "So…here we are."

He said nothing.

She let the iron fall from her voice and it almost,  _almost_ , surprised her at how different she sounded from Captain Katsuragi. "They hate me, you know? The men. A lot of them are your father's, NERV personnel who joined us when WILLE was formed. Most of them joined full heartedly, horrified that they were working to  _that_  conclusion, but I guess a few preferred working for him. Or maybe they just wanted to see the world burn? I don't know, really, but they'll have to suck it up. Learn to love me.

"You did. Didn't you?"

_"You know, I thought the world of you. The only person I could rely on, Misato Katsuragi, and you_ betrayed _me! Used me, like a goddamn weapon! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN CALL ME BY MY NAME!"_

"Well, I guess it's my fault. Even now, I'm still working with half ideas. Never giving a solid answer, playing on whims, blindly expecting everyone to trust me. I'd like to think that, after all these years, I've deserved their trust somewhat. I mean, I didn't  _ask_  to be Captain, I didn't  _ask_  them to put their faith in me, for them to trust their lives to me. I could lead a small workforce, like Makoto and the others, but to lead soldiers…that takes skill. A-and I don't have it, I  _don't_. And I think they're finally starting to see that."

He said nothing.

She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I'm sorry, this isn't what I wanted to talk to you about. I-" The words caught in her throat for a moment and she made an odd choking sound before she swallowed, squeezed her eyes shut, and started again. "I came here, to tell you  _why_  this happened.

"You asked me, before, so I'm here to answer."

"I guess it all started with my father, I never told you about him, right? Well, I hated him you see. He was a scientist, a brilliant one really, but he was also a coward. He hated getting close to people, he was terrified of creating emotional bonds with others. Even me, his own daughter. Christ, all these years and I still  _loathe_  him for it. I couldn't stand that  _this_  was my father. But in the end, he saved me.

"Yeah, I know, the man who I hated saved me. From the Second Impact. I was there, I saw it happen, I have the scar to prove it. My cross? It was my Dad's. He gave it to me as he was reduced to nothing, saw all that too. But, you see, I still get worked up over it. I still hate my dad, for everything he put me and my mother through, but I fought the Angels for his memory. Because I would never get to see him again, to thank him. You never really know how important someone is until they're gone, I guess."

He said nothing.

"Anyway, that's where it started. My rage, my hate, that eventually led me to NERV. I worked my way up the ranks, learnt the stakes and dedicated myself to my duty, all in the name of protecting humanity. I was proud of my job, even if I fought for a total lie. I told you all that, remember?

"And then you came, and everything changed."

"I bet you think that we only looked to children for piloting the EVAs, but you're wrong. We weren't  _that_  heartless. We had hospital wards full of soldiers, years of combat training and experience, left broken messes on machines. The EVAs just wouldn't work for adults, only kids. Ritz explained it to me once I think, the reason why, but I honestly can't say I remember. All I know is that I had to live with that guilt, that I was putting a young life head first into a war that they had no right to be a part in. Made worse, by the fact that  _I_  would be the one telling them to fight. It was fucked, all of it, but that's the price you live with in war. You do things that you can't stomach, things that other people will hate you for, but you  _know_  in your heart that you  _must_.

"But me taking you in, living with me…that was all  _my_  choice."

"They were ready to let you live alone, your father and Ritz, and you were okay with that. I couldn't stand it, that honest yet sad smile on your face, so I made a choice. I took you home with me, even though I had  _no fucking idea_  on how to look after someone, let alone a kid. You saw my apartment, the state I lived in. But you followed, and you put up with me. And we got to know each other, trust each other. I think, subconsciously, I was trying to be everything our fathers weren't. That I was trying to be that adult in your life, that showed you the ropes a boy your age should be shown. A mother…maybe?

"But as I got to know you, saw more of myself in you, I began to project myself onto you. You could do the things I couldn't, all my hopes and dreams, fight the Angels physically while I took in the satisfaction their deaths gave me. You remember, right? After Unit 03 and Asuka? I tried explaining it to you, how we got to that point, that it was  _so fucking wrong_  of me to place that kind of burden on you-"

She took a deep, shuddering breath and looked away from him. The burn in her chest had reached her throat and had become searing.

He said nothing.

"I was so amazed when you came back, busting through the walls and battling the 10th Angel. I honestly expected that complete screw up of an explanation would be the last time we'd see each other. And then what did you do?" Her voice hardened, the Captain returning full with resentment and pain. "You awoke Unit 01, caused the Near Third Impact…all to save Rei." The Captain faded away as quickly as she came, the woman returning. She kept her gaze away from him. "And I blamed you for it."

_"You blame me for causing the Third Impact, but I seem to recall_ you _egging me on to save Rei. To do it for myself, because it was what I wanted. None of this is my fault,_ Captain _, this is all on_ you _."_

"You and Rei both lucked out, you know? Being absorbed by Unit-01, missing the first years of the war. It was pure hell. The whole world was in a state of panic, see, with a quarter of what was left of the human race gone and the rest completely clueless. Your father and the Sub-Commander disappeared, and we learned the truth not long after that. The truth about Second Impact, Rei, everything. The Human Instrumentality Project, that's what it was called. Organised by your father and the organisation that funded NERV, SEELE. You can't imagine who furious I was, that everything I had done, all the sacrifices we had made, were all contributing to nothing. SEELE wanted to combine everyone, all that was left of humanity, into a single life-form. To 'purify souls' was their reason. Your father, though? I don't know what he wants, even after all this time we have no idea, all I know is that he's gone against SEELE's wishes. So where does that leave us?

"The same as before: We, WILLE, fighting to save what's left of our world or die trying."

She glanced at him, waited, then continued.

"I knew, from the beginning, that I couldn't go back to being that person that you knew and trusted. I  _couldn't_. I knew that the second you were back, your father would act. I thought that he would want Unit 01, but instead, he wanted you. I had the chance to kill you then, you know, I could have ended it all then. I  _should_  have. But I couldn't. I just… _couldn't_. That was my first mistake. And after the Fourth Impact, after you  _willingly_  controlled an unknown EVA, I thought that it would be easier for me to treat you like a stranger. But I was wrong, it was even harder. How could I look at you, someone I held so dear to me, and hate you? You have no idea how hard it was for me, but I couldn't just hold you and say that everything would be alright.

"Because I  _knew_ , I knew the moment we locked eyes again that things were never going to be alright ever again."

She looked back at him fully, waiting.

He said nothing.

"I saw it, saw that something was broken behind your eyes, but I did nothing about. I had to plan our next move because Christ only knows what Gendo plans to do with that, that  _thing_  he used you to pull from under the Geofront. Not even Ritz knows, and you know you're in deep when you're trusted second in command and head scientist is clueless. That was my second mistake, devoting myself to planning rather than having to face you. I had plans for you sure but…but I guess I just needed more time to prepare myself before I faced you. But I hid that under the fact that I also had to try and outsmart your bastard father. I told you that as well, that our whole objective was to annihilate NERV's EVAs.

"And then we…we found Rei."

_Rei Ay_ _anami, or Rei Q as she was nicknamed by Ritsuko, was found dead in the shared cell of both her and Shinji Ikari. The marks on her neck were matched to the hands of Shinji Ikari. Ikari claims that his reason for killing Ayanami was because 'she wasn't my Rei.'_

The burning seared in her throat and her vision blurred, wide and glassy red eyes and a pale face locked in its last moments of terror played clearly in her mind. "I was horrified and I punished you, struck you hard enough that I hurt my own hand. Then I had you by the collar and looked into your eyes and your  _smile_ -"

Fat tears rolled down her face, her teeth bared and gnashed.

"You know…throughout all of this, I never took a drink!  _Not once!_  And I don't think that I ever will after, so there's that." Her voice came out tight, the words forced through her throat. "I knew that you and I would properly  _never_  speak again, be friends or anything like we once had. I told myself I was okay with it because knew I was right and I-I knew that I was saving lives."

_There was blood, blood everywhere. Coating the walls with sprinkles of crimson while the ground was turned into a mess of dark, near black, red. Sakura S_ _uzuhara, face pale and frozen in horror and dried tears, had her neck slit open from ear to ear._

"AND IT WAS! It was the right thing to do!" Her composure shattered like glass and her voice rose to thunderous levels. She glared at him, leaking eyes full of resentments, hate and agony and wished that he responded.

He said nothing.

"And-and-and I was willing to do things that sickened me if it meant getting this done with quickly. I knew that I would be labelled the bad guy, I  _knew_  and  _said_  that I was  _okay_  with it."

_"I want to ask you something, Catapin-"_

"And-and even though I  _said_ -"

_"-just one thing-"_

She swallowed messily, tears running from her eyes, saliva dripping from her mouth. The Captain was gone, a distant memory, she was now just a lonely old woman in mourning. "And even though I said I was willing to go all the way, I  _wasn't_."

_"-just one little thing." Despite all the chaos, Shinji Ikari smiled a smile that did not match his eyes. They were devoid of warmth, of humanity, of the thing that made him Shinji Ikari, of life. They were empty, dead. She went rigged, deaf to Asuka terrified screams, as she became locked in his gaze._

She is alone, she is broken, she's a failure of a human being and leader and she cried in pain and rage. "And-and now the  _worst_  has happened. The one thing I can't live with… _has happened._  And for all the  _horrible_  things we said and did to each other, for all the  _stupid_  things I had to do, all the  _lies_  I had to tell…there's now one thing that I can never tell  _anyone_. Not my men. Not Rits. Not anyone!"

_Mari Illustrious_ _Makinami_ _, bloodied and subdued by four soldiers, giggled as her lover paused for some kind of dramatic effect._

"The ONE THING!

_"Was it worth it?"_

"The  _one_  thing I  _should_  have told you! But now…I…Shinji, I can't-"

_"The thing that was once Shinji Ikari smiled, nodding to the lack of an answer. "I didn't think so." He murmured before his young and bloodied face twisted and curled with cruel delight and savagery. He drove the scalpel deep into Asuka's damaged eye, right through the patch, her scream of agony mixing with his howl of joy and blood rolled down the German's face like tears._

_There was no hesitation when the Captain pulled the trigger_

_*Click*_

_Blood painted the walls._

Her knees slammed into the ground and she sobbed, howling one last thing in grief.

_"IT WASN'T WORTH IT!"_

Shinji Ikari said nothing.

How could he?

He was dead.

**Author's Note:**

> I had to get this out of my head and honestly, I'm quite pleased with this!
> 
> A different take on Psycho Shinji, set after the killings. How many stories are there that are set after a killers rampage? As you can see, the pieces are scattered all over the place, and Misato is losing her control.
> 
> I won't lie, I used Marvel's Civil War: The Confession as a base for this story. It really helped me in structuring the idea. That, and I also use this story to vent my mixed feelings on 3.33.
> 
> Main problem: How everyone at WILLIE acts, especially Misato. But I won't bore you with that.
> 
> Hope you liked this, till next time!


End file.
